End of an Era (8/5/09)

The light in this room must stay on

but I'm not sure how to keep it on.

The electric bill hasn't been paid in full, but it's not my fault.

You see, I have this roommate who agreed to help me with the bills

And roomie has been doing good so far with payments

But lately, roomie has been giving little by little

And it hasn't been enough to pay roomie's part of the bill

I try to make it work without roomie, but in the end

It's all to much to do by myself

I ask roomie,"Do you part please? Do it like you said you would."

But, my I feel my pleas are on deaf ears......silent and cold

I try to escape this room as often as possible, to ignore the problem

But I can't ignore it forever, and something needs to be done

I don't know where roomie is or how long she will be gone

Nor do I know how much longer I can be patient with this

Maybe roomie has an explanation as to why the lights are flickering

Maybe roomie can explain why we dont hang out as much as we used to

Maybe roomie can tell me why I dont feel as close anymore

Maybe roomie will convince me to keep sharing this room that I'm paying for

Or maybe roomie wont be able to change my frustration to understanding

All I know is that two people share this room that we inhabit

Both parties accepted full responsibility for what happens here

If one person tries to tackle the duties of what should be an equal partnership

Then soon this flickering light might turn off for good

And nothing that you say or do will turn it back on

Yet still, whether you decide to stay or depart

I'll always have my place here....

My take on the L word

Not too long ago, my boy Kingpin posted a blog based on his definition of love. I thought it was really deep stuff. I had my own take on what love meant, but I never actually got around to writing it down or anything. Now that I have some free time, and I'm in a position of love, I can speak more freely about the topic.

In my opinion, there are many different forms of love. One of the first forms of love is shared between me and my family. They were the first people I interacted with since birth. My mom nurtured me and cared for me in and out of the womb. My dad was always there to give me the helping hand and lead me down the right paths. My brother has always been the one to make me laugh the hardest, even if he does get on my nerves. My immediate family, as well as my whole entire family, have always been there to support me in all my endeavors. They have made me feel so special, so blessed to have this great gift called life. The love I feel for my family transcends any other emotion that I have. I know that no matter how bad things may get, even if I make a very bad decision or mistake, my family will always be there for me, and vice versa. I know that if someone threatened my family in any way, there's no time to think. I just react the best way I can to keep them safe. I trust these people with my heart and soul. I wanted to go to my grandfather's native country this year to see my extended family who aren't here in America, but that may not happen this year. Even so, the love I got for my family isn't going away anytime soon.

Next, comes friends. I've met so many different people in my lifetime. Some people I've been able to keep close over the years. Others have come and gone. When it comes to my friends, I treat them like family. I have friends that I call brother, sister, mom, cousin, aunt. This isn't just to be silly. I have love for the people who are my true friends. When I say that, I mean that I would do just about anything for them. They need something, I will do whatever I can to get it for them. Need a shoulder to lean on? Holla at me!! Let me know what the problem is. Be real with me and I will be real with you. My friends are like my lifeline. Without friends, I wouldn't be able to socially function in this world. Without friends, I wouldn't feel like I belong. I haven't really told too many of my friends up front "I love you". I should though. That love is genuine. It means that no matter what happens, I'm there for you. I'll be there to give you anything you need as a part of my social family.

We now come to the special person. Your boyfriend/girlfriend. This is one of the hardest types of love to establish in my opinion. When I start a relationship, honestly, love isn't the first thing on my mind. Not to say that I don't care about love in a relationship, but I try not to get into it yet because I feel that only puts unnecessary pressure on myself. What I do is establish a connection between myself and the other person so that we can be on the same page. Over time, after the mutual interests are met, and the nice deeds are done, I come to realize that there is more to the relationship than the physical. I was very cautious about saying I love you to any girl because it means something very special. When I say I love my girl, it's not just because she's pretty. It's not that easy. I have made it complicated in many relationships because I never wanted my love for my girl to be some simple stuff. I wanted to be the most beautiful thing that has escaped my lips. In doing that, I only made it harder for myself to say the words she needed to hear.

When I say I love my girl, I say it with consideration. I say it because she is beautiful inside and out. She has so many talents and emotion that just grab my attention. I say I love my girl because I trust her no matter what. To say I love you means that if I were to fall, I trust you to catch me. It means that I can be vulnerable around you without worry. It means that you complement me in every way possible. It means that I see the cracks, but I don't let you crumble. It means that no matter what may come, the bond we share can't be broken. True love doesn't come from finding the perfect person. It comes from loving an imperfect person perfectly. 

Love is a very powerful word that shouldn't be taken lightly. It has a power that can make you feel invincible...just like I feel right now.

It's Almost my Birthday

As I sit here in the library, trying to focus and get some work done, I keep thinking about my birthday. I turn 20. Can you believe it? 20...not too many people live that long. Some get shot down, some are in car accidents, some are killed in natural disasters, and others are killed over the dumbest disputes ever. (You had sex with my girl, nigga!?) I've been fortunate enough to live this long. There has been plenty of good times and plenty more hardship. Through it all, I'm grateful to have the opportunity to live in a world where the next day isn't promised to anyone.

I'm at school. I would rather be home. I wish my special someone was here. I wish I could actually do something to celebrate this great day. Instead, I don't really have much money to do anything, and other people either have no money or have other things to do. The last time I actually did something special for my birthday was go to Red Lobster with my friends. I'd like to do that again. Steal some plates while I'm at it.

I turn 20...one more year to go and I'll have no problem drinking. As far as my friends go, they want to get me fucked up. It's all good. I've made so many memories with so many people. I remember senior trip (FUN times). I remember walking into my high school for the first time, thinking that graduation was too far away. I remember the younger days of when I would go to day camp every summer. I remember fights. I remember basketball games. I dislocated my brother's thumb way back when outside my grandfather's crib (God Bless). So many events and interactions over the past 20 years have helped shape me into the person I am today. I'm still in awe...

As I look back on my life, there are things I wish I have done and obviously things I wish I had not done. I won't spend my whole day talking about what could have been or what I don't have because I do have a lot already. I've got shelter, a chance for higher education, a loving family, good friends who always have my back, and a special person who loves me despite all my mistakes. When I think about it, I have missed out on some things, but I'm already very fortunate and lucky.

20 years gone by....didn't seem like too long though...