Where Do I Begin?

Pen to the paper, idea ready to flow, just about there
First line, main idea shows its face. Okay...
Yes, I think I got this...wait...ok. Stop. Go, I got it
The next line gotta match the last one...wait. Huh??
Go back, cross out. Lines through words, watching
Killing them to satisfy my need for perfection
The letters aren't even legible man, stop thinking and write
Yes, I'm back on track, the pen, the lab, oh no, it's gone
Read over what you have so far, how much has made it out
....What is this? Hmm, nope, this has to go...NOW.
And all this crap just sounds lame...nah cheesy is a better word
Why did you even start? You're no poet...Stop that.
Keep going. Where did you want to go? I'm not even sure
The ill writer's block. Not again...my voice....
It's gone and I don't know where it is...Fuck....
Maybe if...hold up....almost there, paper, pen, idea
....There you are. Let's try this again...It's gonna be a long day.

In 30 Seconds

I saw her, and I saw all of the good things..
I saw our first date, candlelit dinner at a nice restaurant
Our favorite movie as we held each other close
The first kiss, as our lips locked in ecstasy for eternity
I saw myself lay her down, ready to show her my love
My instinctual passion rising as our bodies became one entity....
Then she passed by me, and I looked around, wondering who my next lover would be

End of an Era (8/5/09)

The light in this room must stay on

but I'm not sure how to keep it on.

The electric bill hasn't been paid in full, but it's not my fault.

You see, I have this roommate who agreed to help me with the bills

And roomie has been doing good so far with payments

But lately, roomie has been giving little by little

And it hasn't been enough to pay roomie's part of the bill

I try to make it work without roomie, but in the end

It's all to much to do by myself

I ask roomie,"Do you part please? Do it like you said you would."

But, my I feel my pleas are on deaf ears......silent and cold

I try to escape this room as often as possible, to ignore the problem

But I can't ignore it forever, and something needs to be done

I don't know where roomie is or how long she will be gone

Nor do I know how much longer I can be patient with this

Maybe roomie has an explanation as to why the lights are flickering

Maybe roomie can explain why we dont hang out as much as we used to

Maybe roomie can tell me why I dont feel as close anymore

Maybe roomie will convince me to keep sharing this room that I'm paying for

Or maybe roomie wont be able to change my frustration to understanding

All I know is that two people share this room that we inhabit

Both parties accepted full responsibility for what happens here

If one person tries to tackle the duties of what should be an equal partnership

Then soon this flickering light might turn off for good

And nothing that you say or do will turn it back on

Yet still, whether you decide to stay or depart

I'll always have my place here....

My take on the L word

Not too long ago, my boy Kingpin posted a blog based on his definition of love. I thought it was really deep stuff. I had my own take on what love meant, but I never actually got around to writing it down or anything. Now that I have some free time, and I'm in a position of love, I can speak more freely about the topic.

In my opinion, there are many different forms of love. One of the first forms of love is shared between me and my family. They were the first people I interacted with since birth. My mom nurtured me and cared for me in and out of the womb. My dad was always there to give me the helping hand and lead me down the right paths. My brother has always been the one to make me laugh the hardest, even if he does get on my nerves. My immediate family, as well as my whole entire family, have always been there to support me in all my endeavors. They have made me feel so special, so blessed to have this great gift called life. The love I feel for my family transcends any other emotion that I have. I know that no matter how bad things may get, even if I make a very bad decision or mistake, my family will always be there for me, and vice versa. I know that if someone threatened my family in any way, there's no time to think. I just react the best way I can to keep them safe. I trust these people with my heart and soul. I wanted to go to my grandfather's native country this year to see my extended family who aren't here in America, but that may not happen this year. Even so, the love I got for my family isn't going away anytime soon.

Next, comes friends. I've met so many different people in my lifetime. Some people I've been able to keep close over the years. Others have come and gone. When it comes to my friends, I treat them like family. I have friends that I call brother, sister, mom, cousin, aunt. This isn't just to be silly. I have love for the people who are my true friends. When I say that, I mean that I would do just about anything for them. They need something, I will do whatever I can to get it for them. Need a shoulder to lean on? Holla at me!! Let me know what the problem is. Be real with me and I will be real with you. My friends are like my lifeline. Without friends, I wouldn't be able to socially function in this world. Without friends, I wouldn't feel like I belong. I haven't really told too many of my friends up front "I love you". I should though. That love is genuine. It means that no matter what happens, I'm there for you. I'll be there to give you anything you need as a part of my social family.

We now come to the special person. Your boyfriend/girlfriend. This is one of the hardest types of love to establish in my opinion. When I start a relationship, honestly, love isn't the first thing on my mind. Not to say that I don't care about love in a relationship, but I try not to get into it yet because I feel that only puts unnecessary pressure on myself. What I do is establish a connection between myself and the other person so that we can be on the same page. Over time, after the mutual interests are met, and the nice deeds are done, I come to realize that there is more to the relationship than the physical. I was very cautious about saying I love you to any girl because it means something very special. When I say I love my girl, it's not just because she's pretty. It's not that easy. I have made it complicated in many relationships because I never wanted my love for my girl to be some simple stuff. I wanted to be the most beautiful thing that has escaped my lips. In doing that, I only made it harder for myself to say the words she needed to hear.

When I say I love my girl, I say it with consideration. I say it because she is beautiful inside and out. She has so many talents and emotion that just grab my attention. I say I love my girl because I trust her no matter what. To say I love you means that if I were to fall, I trust you to catch me. It means that I can be vulnerable around you without worry. It means that you complement me in every way possible. It means that I see the cracks, but I don't let you crumble. It means that no matter what may come, the bond we share can't be broken. True love doesn't come from finding the perfect person. It comes from loving an imperfect person perfectly. 

Love is a very powerful word that shouldn't be taken lightly. It has a power that can make you feel invincible...just like I feel right now.

It's Almost my Birthday

As I sit here in the library, trying to focus and get some work done, I keep thinking about my birthday. I turn 20. Can you believe it? 20...not too many people live that long. Some get shot down, some are in car accidents, some are killed in natural disasters, and others are killed over the dumbest disputes ever. (You had sex with my girl, nigga!?) I've been fortunate enough to live this long. There has been plenty of good times and plenty more hardship. Through it all, I'm grateful to have the opportunity to live in a world where the next day isn't promised to anyone.

I'm at school. I would rather be home. I wish my special someone was here. I wish I could actually do something to celebrate this great day. Instead, I don't really have much money to do anything, and other people either have no money or have other things to do. The last time I actually did something special for my birthday was go to Red Lobster with my friends. I'd like to do that again. Steal some plates while I'm at it.

I turn 20...one more year to go and I'll have no problem drinking. As far as my friends go, they want to get me fucked up. It's all good. I've made so many memories with so many people. I remember senior trip (FUN times). I remember walking into my high school for the first time, thinking that graduation was too far away. I remember the younger days of when I would go to day camp every summer. I remember fights. I remember basketball games. I dislocated my brother's thumb way back when outside my grandfather's crib (God Bless). So many events and interactions over the past 20 years have helped shape me into the person I am today. I'm still in awe...

As I look back on my life, there are things I wish I have done and obviously things I wish I had not done. I won't spend my whole day talking about what could have been or what I don't have because I do have a lot already. I've got shelter, a chance for higher education, a loving family, good friends who always have my back, and a special person who loves me despite all my mistakes. When I think about it, I have missed out on some things, but I'm already very fortunate and lucky.

20 years gone by....didn't seem like too long though...

Thick Frames

You know what really gets me? You walk down the street and a girl catches your eye. She has an ok figure. Nothing to really complain about. You think to yourself, "I would holla at her." Suddenly, out of nowhere, she has to take her glasses off. You thought you saw a pretty face. Now that she isn't wearing her glasses, you have no idea what the hell you're looking at. The glasses aren't normal glasses that everyone wears. I'm talking about the glasses that cover up half the face. I mean the glasses that limit a person's peripheral vision when a person wears them. I'm talking about the glasses with thick frames. GOOD GOD!

I understand the fact that it is like a fashion statement to wear those types of frames. The whole "makes you look smarter" is something that everyone wants to do. We all want to look like NERDS. That is one of the newest looks today. I only have one question. Why is it that the frames make the females look cuter than they already are? What is it about them that makes dudes break their necks? I've been fooled by the illusion that the frames put in my mind, and I'm sure that many other people have been caught by the lie as well. I took a class where I thought this girl looked really good. She was wearing the aforementioned glasses. I saw her take them off during one class. I was shocked. She looked extremely different than before. I kept saying to myself, "Where the fuck has my taste gone?" Just this past summer, I was at the mall with one of my good friends. We saw a lot of good looking girls that day, but the majority of them had those thick framed glasses. I'm sure that if I ripped them of the faces, we wouldn't have paid those girls any mind at all.

This is just another ploy by certain companies to make females buy into looking better. Just like all the perfume and skin blemish ads you see on tv, this has got to be a subliminal way of getting the prodcut to the females. I will admit that I'm guilty of wearing the thick framed glasses from time to time just to check the look. However, I see a big difference in the way they are worn by males and females. While dudes buy the glasses with the thick frames, I have yet to see of hear of a girl thinking a guy was cute because of the frames of his glasses. It's madness that will continue for many years, or at least until the next big fashion statement comes along.

Can you say tired?

I feel like I'm dying. Well not really dying, but I feel very weak and tired. My legs are killing me from playing basketball last night. I wanted to go bowling, but all things come to an end anyway. School is crazy as a bitch man. Lots of work for me to do with very little time. If there was a way to make the days longer, I would be up for it because sometimes I feel that the days are too short to do everything I want to do. First, I have to go to class. After that, I'm in the library doing some homework. Later, my friends want to do something like go to the pool or play basketball. It doesn't sound like much compared to what other people have on their agendas, but to me, it's hard to get all of this done. Distractions rule my life. I could be trying to get out of doing work after doing for only 10 minutes. I make calls or surf the web.

I need a vacation. Just a break to take time away from all this stuff. While I'm trying to get involved with a lot of things on campus, it takes a lot out of me. Right now, as I type, a bunch of us are trying to figure out how to end one of our skits for a comedy show. It's been stressful because we've been brainstorming for about 2 hours now. This takes a lot out of us. I'm already tired as it is and this is only draining more of my energy. I'm confused now. We have a real good idea going, but the ending is not coming together.